I guess that under capitalism,at least in its decaying,decadent stage everyday is a bad day,although we may not subjectively experience it that way…..
For me,someone for whom recorded and sometimes live music is literally the sound track of my life.On those bad days,then i turn to music which if it cannot change my mood,then at least it eases the pain or some expression of it.
So,whilst i am no longer employed in a situation in which i have other people’s pain and distress meeting me across the room or across the desk,day in day out,i seem to have entered retirement at a time when similar pain and distress seems unavoidable in the face of a blatant class attack by the class who own and control to force the resolution of their crisis and their mistakes on my class,on us.It is a battering experience,some of which i experience directly,and a lot more of which i see and hear about.it can give the sense that we do live in a heartless world,where a lot of the care seems to have evaporated.
And if life is a river then in its flowing,it cuts very deep.Living life is inevitably damaging.Without going into any explanation,some of it at least is inevitable,as if written into the script,to ix metaphors,because to shorthand a lot of things it is in the nature of living a material life.What i think makes this worse,is living in a class society which compounds and complicates living by putting a price,literally on most of its events for any of us.
It also seems to me that one of the ways that have either been devised or emerge from class society are “ways”that function to keep that order,and almost synthetically,osmotically develop to form a complex mesh to keep us in our place,perhaps like birds trapped in a net.it seems that sexism,mysogyny,patriarchy operate amongst other things to maintain inequality.
Ever an optimistic person i think that optimisim has probably sometimes,perhaps often protected me from earlier madeness,and enabled me to continue in the belief amongst other things that change is always,well nearly always possible possible and that we can fight back.On the other hand i suppose i might admit that the distance between optimism and overoptimism is shorter than i might think i like many i suspect find myself thoroughly sickened by the increasing revelations about jimmy saville,and then shocked if not surprised by an account of rape allegations inside an organisation which many years ago i was a member of,and for whom i have what i call a “residual loyalty”,the depth of which i did not realise until these events.Then astory emerges about the revictimisation of a woman trades union activist,again around issues of gender and sexual oppresssion. Perhaps the former story has facilitated the emergence of the latter,although frankly that does not make me feel any better.Then there is the story that research shows again that rape is underreported,underconvicted but is accompanied by a spin,an angle that suggests that inventing allegations of rape are frequent and contribute to the lack of investigation,although i take the view that even if the former were true-which it is NOT,it would not justify the latter.
It makes me realise again that some of the progress in the fair and decent,let alone equal treatment of women is not as thorough or deep as some of us would like to imagine,which is dissappointing and gloomy.This cannot fail to impact on our direct,personal relationships even if that influence is not obvious or direct.I suggest it does not just undermine our security in them but reduces the percieved equality in our relationships.Its gloomy stuff.
There is no magical counterbalance,except i suppose as some kind of medicine with which to pick myself up and get on with something.Music,when it works can make a good medicine.I find some music….which includes this link,and about which i will write,again,more specifically another time.It does not take the anxiety and pain away but it does perhaps make it take its more appropriate place elsewhere in my psyche so that i can at least get on with my life and seek more actively to change what i do not like and still will not accept that i have to accept